


Goodbye only hurts when you know you won't say hello again - Niall Horan one-shot

by 1Derfulfanfictions



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Derfulfanfictions/pseuds/1Derfulfanfictions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this when I was really angry and upset. I'm not proud of it, but here it is anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye only hurts when you know you won't say hello again - Niall Horan one-shot

Things had been going downhill for a while. Erin wasn’t sure she could pin point the exact moment it had all come undone, or if there even was one. It didn’t matter anyway, nothing was going to change it. Erin was stood at the reception of the hotel, waiting for assistance. Her arms and legs felt numb as she took a step towards the hotel guy, dragging her suitcase. She wasn’t sure she’d find her voice. Niall’s angry words swarmed around her head, so loud and wounding.

‘I can’t do this anymore. This whole thing has been a mistake. You’re all ‘want, want want’, typical of a selfish bitch. I’m 1/5 of One Direction first and foremost, everything else comes second. Why can’t you just accept that that includes you? I can’t deal with you anymore. I think you should pack your stuff and leave. I’ll have someone drop you at a hotel of your choice’

“How can I help you? Are you checking in?” the hotel clerk asked, a fake smile plastered on his face. Erin feigned an even faker one. “I haven’t got a reservation, but I was hoping you had some rooms still available?” she asked, concentrating on keeping her voice even. “Certainly, how many nights will you staying with us?” That one caught her by surprise. Erin had lost track of the days. She whipped out her phone to see how long the stint was in this city. “3 nights please,” After fixing up the payment, Erin gratefully passed her luggage to the porter, and entered the lift. The mirrored walls of the lift confirmed what she already knew – she looked like shit. Her normally bright green eyes were dull, and appeared sunken into her face, surrounded by the dark circles under her bottom lashes. There was no colour in her cheeks. Her dark hair fell flat against her head, matching the way she felt. As soon as Erin reached her room, and tipped the porter, she double-locked the door, downed a half a glass of scotch, took two sleeping pills and went to bed. Hopefully when she woke up, everything would be better.

The sleep was fitful and restless, despite the alcohol and meds. Memories were tearing at the sides of Erin’s unconsciousness. Arguments, make ups, parties, all the amazing experiences she’d shared with Niall and the other guys. Erin and Niall had gotten together during X Factor, where she worked one of the stage hands. They’d done the long distance thing on the first tour, but this time Niall had asked her to accompany him on the UK and Europe legs. But it was turning out to be the worst decision they’d made to date. Neither one of them had taken into account how difficult it would be to maintain a relationship with the tight schedules, constant commitments and media attention. It hadn’t taken long for Erin to begin feeling like an accessory, disposable just like their stage wardrobe. Niall had been distant, and even when they did have some rare time together, he wasn’t ‘present’ as such. The arguments had been stupid at first. But over the last few weeks, they’d escalated into something more serious. Erin felt like Niall just didn’t get her anymore. Or even cared. The final straw had come when both Harry and Niall had been late for a radio interview. They’d missed breakfast, and hoping to sneak in a much needed moment, Erin had volunteered to go and wake them. She never expected the see the scene in front of her when she opened the door to Harry’s room. Harry was spread-eagled, naked on the bed, the left side of this body flopped over an also-naked blonde girl. Niall was on the pull out couch, spooning with an unidentifiable red head. They were at least a little more modest, a sheet pulled up to their waists, although the other girl was at least naked on the top. Without thinking, Erin had picked up one of the white sneakers Niall had been wearing at the show the night before, and hurled it towards his head. “GET UP! HARRY! NIALL! YOU’RE ALREADY LATE” She cried, walking over to the bed and gently kicking Harry behind his knee. No way was she touching that. The head of their security team appeared in the doorway, quickly assessing the situation. He walked over and picked Erin up, taking her back down to the bus, while he came back to deal with the “situation”. It was Erin and Niall’s talk later that day that had led him to kicking her out, and her leaving.

Erin woke with a start. She didn’t remember falling into such a deep sleep, but was glad she had. She rolled over and reached for her phone. 4:00pm Friday. She’d been asleep for about 24 hours. She flicked through the missed calls and messages on her phone, hoping to see something, anything from Niall. But as had become the norm of late, Erin was left disappointed. She did however, have 20 missed calls from her best friend, Natasha. Erin had sent her a message yesterday on the way to the hotel, letting her know the situation. But she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, she just wanted to forget. So she had silenced her phone and ignored the calls. She sat upright on the bed and pulled the hair tie out of her hair. She ran her hands over her face, trying to remove the fuzziness inside her head. Was any of this even real? The sick feeling in the bottom of her stomach confirmed that it was. She flicked on the tv and threw off the covers.

“And tonight, as you can tell from the ear piercing screams from the thousands of dedicated fans already lined up outside, Centre Arena is welcoming the biggest band in the world, One Direction!” the announcer proclaimed. Erin laughed bitterly, heading for the bathroom. What was she even supposed to do? Was she still supposed to go tonight? She knew the team would still let her in, regardless. But did Niall want her there? He’d made it pretty clear he didn’t. Hell, did Erin even want to be there? She wasn’t sure she even had the energy to drag herself out of the hotel room. Erin decided she should call Natasha and let her know she was ok, even if that was only partially true.

Of course Natasha thought it was a good idea she went to the show tonight. She’d always been a ‘fan’ of Erin and Niall. Erin sometimes wondered if that was as her best friend, or as a One Direction fan. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure he was just angry. If you go, I’m sure you’ll be calling me tomorrow dishing on the amazing make-up sex you guys had,” Natasha had reassured her during their call. Erin couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. At all in Europe? She wasn’t sure. Although she knew it wouldn’t be the outcome Natasha was purporting, she decided maybe it was a good idea. Even though they’d hit a rough patch, she still loved and supported Niall didn’t she? Erin had no desire to make an effort, or the energy. It had been years since she’d felt like this. Were these not supposed to be the best years of her life? Why were all these feelings back? She thought they’d been left behind in her teen years. Once she was ready, she text Drew and asked him to pick her up again for the show. She was going to be late, but at this point she didn’t really care.

The guys were just finishing up Kiss You when Erin arrived, greeting the backstage crew. She knew that meant there was only one song left before they came off for a quick wardrobe change and bathroom break. She could hear the screaming fans. It never ceased to amaze her, or anyone involved actually. It gave her goosebumps. If anyone had told her 3 years ago on X Factor that the boys would be where they are now, or that she too would be, she’d had laughed and told them they were crazy. She was incredibly proud of all of them. She thought after the morning she went looking for Harry and Niall she couldn’t be shocked anymore. What she heard next was like a red-hot knife straight through the heart. Erin ran into the bathroom, barely making it to the sink before puking. Harry: This next song is dedicated to our good friend Niall, who’s officially back on the market ladies! Cue the screams of nearly every girl in the stadium. And with that, the music for ‘I Want’ began.

Give you this, give you that  
Blow a kiss, take it back  
If I looked inside your brain  
I would find lots of things  
Clothes, shoes, diamond rings  
Stuff that’s driving me insane

You could be preoccupied  
Different date every night  
You just got to say the word  
But you’re not into them at all  
You just want materials  
I should know because I’ve heard  
When girls say…

I want, I want, I want,  
But that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want,  
And that’s not me  
I want, I want, I want,  
To be loved by you

You’ve got everything you need  
But you want accessories  
Got to hold it in your hand  
If I changed the world for you  
I bet you wouldn’t have a clue  
Don’t you know that I can’t stand  
When girls say…

I want, I want, I want,  
But that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want,  
And that’s not me  
I want, I want, I want,  
To be loved by you

Oh, and all the girls say…

I want, I want, I want,  
But that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want,  
And that’s not me  
I want, I want, I want,  
To be loved by you

Be loved by you  
I wanna, I’ll stay true  
I wonder if you knew  
What you put me through  
But you want, you want, you want me to love you too

I want, I want, I want, but that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want, but that’s not me  
I want, I want, I want, to be loved by you

Oh, and all the girls say…

I want, I want, I want,  
But that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want,  
And that’s not me  
I want, I want, I want,  
To be loved by you

I want, I want, I want,  
And all the girls say  
I want, I want, I want,  
And that’s crazy  
I want, I want, I want,  
To be loved by you

Erin wiped her mouth and ran back out of the bathroom. Grabbing her bag. She was shaking, but she had to see him. She had to hear him say it, if it was really true. Were they really over? Louis was the first one back down, followed closely by the other four. They were highfiving each other, still on a high. He stopped when he saw Erin standing there. The crew seemed to fade into the shadows, not wanting to stick around for the fireworks about to explode.

“Erin! I didn’t know you were coming tonight…” his voice trailed off. Niall was the last one down, almost running into Liam, unaware of what he was walking into. Erin chose to ignore Louis, focusing her attention on Niall. He seemed shocked to see her too. Her chest was heaving now, and she was struggling to hold it together. “Is it true?” she cried, hysterical. He continued to look at her, not saying anything. “Is it?!” she asked again, talking a step towards him. His face hardened, his eyes void of all emotion. The other guys took a step backwards. “There’s not much worth saving,” he spat, spite evident in his voice. Erin took another couple of steps forward and slapped him. Hard. She turned on her heel and ran, as was typical for her. She was running blindly down the corridors, not looking back. In that moment, she couldn’t think of a single reason to keep running. Or living for that matter. Troy, another of the boys security team eventually caught her, grabbing her around her waist and picking her up, carrying her towards the car. When they made it back to the hotel, he carried her right up to her room, and placed her in the bed. Erin couldn’t even muster a thanks. Loud sobs ripped from her chest, and breathing felt like a chore. And just like that she was alone. Literally and figuratively. She knew was she had to do. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and moved over the desk, switching on the small lamp. She took the notebook out of the back beside her and picked up the pen. And so the words flowed.

Natasha,

You know I love you. I always have, and always will. Thank you for being the most amazing best friend a girl could ask for. Just know that I am truly sorry. I never wanted things to end like this. But I can’t do this anymore. Please accept my sincerest apologies. Let your star burn bright baby, I know you will. Love you always, Erin.

She sealed the note in one of the hotel branded envelopes, labelling it with Natasha’s name. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, falling silently onto the desk. But Erin felt a calm wash over her. Her hand was shaking as she began her letter to Niall.

Niall,

I’m sorry I wasn’t worth saving. Never stop being you.

 

Circles, we’re going in circles  
Dizzy’s all it makes us  
We know where it takes us  
We’ve been before  
Closer, maybe looking closer  
There’s more to discover  
Find out what went wrong without blaming each other

Think that we got more time  
When we’re falling behind  
Gotta make up our minds

Or else we’ll play, play, play all the same old games  
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change  
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same  
But we’re making all the same mistakes

Wake up, we both need to wake up  
Maybe if we face up to this  
We can make it through this  
Closer, maybe we’ll be closer  
Stronger than we were before, yeah  
Make this something more, yeah

Think that we got more time  
When we’re falling behind  
Gotta make up our minds

Or else we’ll play, play, play all the same old games  
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change  
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same  
But we’re making all the same mistakes

Yeah, yeah, that’s what crazy is  
When it’s broken, you say there’s nothing to fix  
And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay  
While you’re making all the same mistakes

Don’t look back  
But if we don’t look back  
We’re only learning then  
How to make all same mis-, same mistakes again

So we play, play, play all the same old games (same mistakes)  
And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change (when nothing’s gonna change)  
And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same (well nothing’s gonna be the same)  
But we’re making all the same mistakes

Yeah, yeah, that’s what crazy is (crazy is)  
When it’s broken, you say there’s nothing to fix (there’s nothing to fix)  
And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay (everything will be okay)  
While you’re making all the same mistakes.

Goodbye only hurts when you know you won’t say hello again. I love you.

Erin carefully wrote out the lyrics to Same Mistakes. She’d never actually liked the song, but now it made total sense to her. She sealed the letter in a separate envelope, planting a kiss on the back of it. She closed her eyes, willing herself to move. This was how it needed to be. She picked up her jacket and switched out the lights, making her way down to reception. Erin had never understood 24 hour hotels, but she was grateful now. “Can you point me in the direction of the nearest train station?” She asked the receptionist. He eyed her sceptically. “About two blocks down, on the other side.” Erin smiled in response and headed for the door. “Miss, do you need me to call you a taxi?” Erin shook her head, “No thank you, I’ll walk,”.

The cold night air hit her like a brick wall. She shoved her hands in her pockets. Walking along, she looked up at the stars. There was something so beautiful about the nighttime sky. Hopefully wherever she was headed, she’d have a lot more time to enjoy it. Erin thought back to various times over her life. She hadn’t been dealt the best of hands, but she had managed some amazing things. But those things weren’t enough anymore. There wasn’t any other way out. She couldn’t do it anymore. And before she knew it, she was standing at the bottom of the stairs to the station. A single light lit the way, leading her to a ticket booth. An older gentleman manned the window. “I’ll take the ticket to the last train to anywhere,” She slid over the correct change, taking her ticket and walking towards the platform before she could change her mind. The train was easy to spot. It’s bright light could be seen for miles in the dark of the night. As it rounded the last bend before the station, Erin stood patiently on the edge. Heart beating wildly, but oddly calm. 50 metres. Then 20. And just like that, she took one final step, falling directly into the middle of the track, right into the path of the incoming train. The last thing she saw was the night sky. And boy it was beautiful. The girl who wasn’t worth saving, was finally at peace.


End file.
